YOM KIPPUR 5776/2015
Kol-Nidre Service
Life is uncertain. Most of us are old enough to know that "stuff" happens...to us and to others...whether we want it to or not, whether we are ready for it or not, insured or uninsured, healthy or unhealthy. There's no stopping it...even when we make good choices, whatever those might be, stuff happens.
Life is like a box of chocolates, said Forrest Gump....we just can't be sure of what we might get, we can't really be sure of anything...life is uncertain and bitter-sweet.
We try to make wise decisions and choices but in reality they are all guesses. Only in retrospect do we know if our choices were good ones...in terms of a college, a partner, what foods to eat...we try to be wise, but can only be more certain in hindsight. As Joni Mitchell wrote, "Guesses based on what each set of time and change is touching." We can only do as well as we can, based on where we are at, when we make our choices, when we make our decisions, our guesses.
We say in our morning prayers: "Veahavta lereacha kamocha", "Love our fellow human beings as we wish to be cared for"....and then we say, "Uvizchoot ze ephtach pee", "and in acknowledgement of this value, so may I open my mouth."
If we were to write a personal mission statement for how we wish to live, for how we wish to be, what would be on it? What are your personal life goals regarding how you wish to be and live? Take a moment to list two or three values you cherish and wish to live by. What are your characteristics, attributes, values that you wish to cultivate and foster and grow and live, thru your actions and speech to yourself and to others?
"Adonai, Adonai, el rachum vechanun"...we just chanted this prayer listing God's attributes of mercy, loving kindness, compassion, graciousness, patience, slow to anger, loyal and truthful, being forgiving and straight forward. Do we have some of the same values and goals for ourselves?...compassion, loving kindness, patience, honesty, being forgiving? Can we be God like or godly in how we live our lives? As above, so below...as we understand what is Godly, so we can try to live.
How can we get there? How can we live a life that keeps to our personal mission statement? How can we live to be the person we wish ourselves to be?
Pema Chodron, an American Buddhist nun, wrote, in her book, When Things Fall Apart: "The first noble truth in Buddhism is that suffering is inevitable for human beings as long as we believe that things last - that they don't disintegrate, that they can be counted on to satisfy our hunger for security.... but, life is always in transition." Her basic charge is to practice loving kindness...for ourselves and towards others. She writes: "As we become more wholehearted in this journey of gentle honesty, it comes as quite a shock to realize how much we've blinded ourselves to some of the ways in which we cause harm. Our style is so ingrained that we can't hear when people try to tell us, either kindly or rudely, that maybe we're causing some harm by the way we are or the way we relate with others. We've become so used to the way we do things that somehow we think that others are used to it too."
Or, I might add, that we falsely think that it is not our issue but it is the other person's problem. We blame...we deflect...it is so much easier that way. So, mindfulness of our actions and feelings is step one. Step two is refraining...being careful not to act in ways that do not meet the standards we have set for ourselves; the standards of practicing loving kindness, of being good to ourselves and others, of loving others as we wish to be loved, of not causing harm.
Today, on Yom Kippur, we confront ourselves as mere dust, as mortal, as individuals whose time on earth is limited...we will die. In many ways, Yom Kippur is a drama which confronts us with our death...and therefore with our life. How do we wish to live? How can we live our goals with each breath, in each moment of every day? How can we practice loving kindness, compassion and awareness each day? How can we be our best selves? We must accept and realize that, the path is the goal...life itself is the goal...how we live each moment is living our goals.
We CAN live out our personal mission statement...being who we wish ourselves to be...being our better selves. Certainly, however, this is not by playing the role of the victim or by blaming others. We can only look at ourselves and challenge ourselves to improve...to be more compassionate, to listen more deeply, to act with kindness, to be more forgiving of ourselves and of others, to live with gratitude. We really only have ourselves... we really only have this moment.
In a moment, we will continue in our "machzor", our prayer book, going from the prayer listing the attributes of God, to the prayer beseeching God to hear our voices...or, put another way, the prayer beseeching ourselves to hear our own voice, our own values, our own mission statement, to hear our own challenge to live our values and to live the best we can for ourselves.
Hear our voices, may we be forgiving of ourselves and of others. May we live as we desire to...for our lives are short and all we really have is this moment. May we not abandon ourselves or our dreams. May we be strong enough to change and to grow.
amen and gmar chatima tova, may we be sealed for goodness and life!
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YOM KIPPUR 5776/2015
Morning Service
One of the psalms we say each morning in our prayers is Psalm 34 which includes the passages, "Mee haeesh, hechafetz chayim...", meaning, "Who is the person who desires to really live, who loves each day and sees goodness in each moment? Then keep your tongue from speaking evil and keep your lips from uttering falsehoods. Act with loving kindness and seek peace!"
We are familiar with the Yom Kippur "al chet" prayer where we read the many transgressions we (we plural) have committed. We gently beat our breast as we acknowledge the many wrong doings we humans commit. Often we use the word sin but that word does not work for me. The Hebrew word "chet" is related to the word for archery and can best be understood as "missing the mark". Sin for me is not a relatable concept. Missing the mark, or, missing the target works better for me. I love playing darts and my hand eye coordination is above average. I may not get a bulls eye very often but I do come close a lot tho sometimes I miss altogether. That's how life often goes. Sometimes we get it just right. Sometimes we miss altogether. Usually we come close and need to make some adjustments, clarifications and amend some things.
Now is the time to make those adjustments. This is our opportunity. Now, we can seek clarification, ask for forgiveness, make adjustments. What gets in our way the most: ego and stubbornness and a desire to be right. But, relationships are really not about being right...living well in relationship with others is about being loving, compassionate, listening well and acting with kindness.
Today we fast. Today we diminish our big egos by realizing that we are dust, that we will die, that life is intrinsically insecure and frail...and, that each day can be a blessing and an opportunity.
In our prayer of wrong actions, we list eight actions regarding our speech: 1) "debarnu dofey", for speaking falsely; 2) "bevetui sifatayim", for improper utterances or idle talk; 3) "bideboor peh", for words from our mouth or offensive speech; 4) "betumat sifatayim", for unclean lips; 5) "bitifshoot peh", for foolish talk; 6) "bilashon hara", for evil speech or slander; 7) "biseeach siftoteynu", for our manner or tone of speech, and, 8) "beercheeloot", for gossip or tale bearing. Out of a total list of about 66 transgressions in two prayers, 8 are devoted to how we miss the mark in our speech. It is remarkable how often we miss the mark regarding our speech...and, in our ability to listen carefully and compassionately.
The Chafetz Chayim, or, Rabbi Israel Meir Kagan Hacohen from Vilna, one of the greatest scholars of his time in the field of ethics and law, wrote his first book at age 35 in 1873 about the topic of slander, gossip and tale bearing. He wrote: "It is forbidden to tell derogatory stories about someone, even if they are completely true. Our sages refer to this as "lashon hara". If a story has a bit of falsehood in it, which makes it even more derogatory, then it falls under the category of "motzi shem ra", or slander, a much greater offense."
Let's all pause for a moment and sit comfortably. Simply concentrate on your breath. Breathing in, follow your breath all the way from its beginning to its end. Breathing out, likewise, follow your breath all the way from its beginning to its end. Enjoy the journey of your breath...breathing consciously, in and out. Develop your concentration simply by following the journey of your breath. This is one way to develop mindfulness. This is one way to come back to our personal mission statement. This is one way to return to a place of compassion, of kindness, of forgiveness.
Think of those times when you felt unheard, not listened to, marginalized, uncared for, not understood, alone. Hold yourself for a moment...give yourself the compassion you need. Offer forgiveness to those who may have hurt you...knowingly or unknowingly.
Now think of those times when you were unable to listen, really listen with care and understanding and depth. Hold yourself for a moment...give yourself the compassion you need. Offer forgiveness to yourself for the hurt you may have caused to a friend...knowingly or unknowingly.
Affirm your commitment to cultivating loving speech and compassionate listening in order to relieve suffering and in order to promote reconciliation and peace in yourself and in others. Words can create happiness or suffering. Affirm...that I am committed to speaking truthfully using words that inspire confidence, joy and hope. I am determined not to speak when anger manifests in me. I can practice mindful breathing when I recognize anger manifesting in me. The roots of anger can be found in my own wrong perceptions and in my own lack of understanding of my suffering and the suffering of the other person. Affirm...that I will speak and listen in such a way so as to help myself and the other person to transform suffering into understanding and kindness so as to see the way out of difficult situations.
Breathing deeply, with mindfulness is a technique to allow us to refrain from hurtful speech, from harmful behaviors, from missing the mark. It is one way to remind us that our goal is to cultivate kindness, compassion, understanding and love.
When we love someone, we need to have the capacity to help them suffer less and to bring them relief. Thich Nhat Hanh, a Vietnamese Buddhist Zen Master living primarily in Plum Village, a meditation center in France has written many simple very understandable books on mindfulness. In one of his books titled, How to Love, he wrote, "True love includes a sense of responsibility, and accepting the other person as she (or he) is, with all her strengths and weaknesses. If you only like the best things in a person, that is not love. You have to accept her weaknesses and bring your patience, understanding and energy to help her (or him) transform. This kind of love brings protection and safety. This requires words to be used properly and carefully." Thich Nhat Hanh continues, "Since we're human beings, we make mistakes. We cause others to suffer. We hurt our loved ones and we feel regret. But, without making mistakes, there is no way to learn. If you can learn from your mistakes, then you have already transformed garbage into flowers. Very often, our mistakes come from unskillfulness, and not because we want to harm one another. I think of our behavior as being more or less skillful rather than in terms of good and bad. If you are skillful, you can avoid making yourself suffer and making the other person suffer. If there's something you want to tell the other person, then you have to say it, but do so skillfully, in a way that leads to less rather than more suffering. Blaming and arguing never help us...only understanding, trust and love can help us change and grow. Understanding is the foundation of love."
So, may we be peaceful, happy and light in body and spirit as we begin our new year. May we be free from fear, anxiety, anger and afflictions.
We do miss the mark. As we journey thru our lives, we need to accept ourselves and others, we need to ask for forgiveness and be forgiving, and to live doing the best we can.
May we make each moment an occasion to live deeply, happily and in peace. Each moment offers us an opportunity to find forgiveness, happiness and peace. Looking deeply, with mindfulness and awareness helps cultivate a life of compassion, kindness and love.
May this be a year of growth, understanding and deepening love.
amen and gmar tov, may we be sealed for a good life.